At AMC Theatres, nothing is more important to us than keeping you safe from the judgment of your social-distancing friends. That is why we are affirming that our theatres will remain pitch black during all showings. Here, in the dark, you may partake of all manner of unspeakable delights, far from the prying eyes of those who would shame you.
Thrill as you take your seat in our entertainment grotto among dozens of your fellow touch-starved husks of overtaxed impulse control. Your skin will be all gooseflesh as you hear the banal conversations of live human beings, whose wants and desires have been so cruelly repressed for three long months.
You feign a yawn, and put your arm around the person next to you. You plunge knuckle-deep into oily kernels of popcorn, your fingers “accidentally” touch. Perhaps you even steal a kiss. In a pandemic, behind your mask and cloaked in shadow, a middle-school second date will feel like Eyes Wide Shut, which will be screening every night at 9:00 p.m. in Theatre 12, on your right. Third base will never seem so attainable—or appealing.
Of course, you are also concerned about the coronavirus. Of course you are. That’s why we enacted a thorough health and safety protocol to ensure you are in the safest of latex-gloved hands. Our resentful and underpaid teenaged staff will provide you a Coca-Cola-branded mask. You can purchase a three-pack of Clorox wipes at the concession stand for five dollars. We’ll add a touch of movie magic to our security theater as Dr. Strange checks your temperature with a no-touch thermometer. Do those things even work? My sweet, summer-blockbuster child, if you truly cared, you would not be here with us, in the dark.
When the picture ends, you will re-enter the world, strangers once more, bonded by an unforgettable shared experience, if not a deadly disease. Your friends and family will never know you were here. Even if you contracted the virus at our theatre (unlikely; see aforementioned safety measures) and transmitted it to loved ones (you would NEVER!), they couldn’t know it was you! YOU wouldn’t even know it was you, so you can live your life (probably) without feeling judgment or guilt.
Shame cannot find you in the deep black of the multiplex. Enter the dark and live!
Please note that outside food and beverages will not be permitted.
