Blarg!

Bill's blog. Writing, guitars, gratuitous Simpsons references, you'll find i​t all here. Almost certainly a waste of time for both you and the author. On the internet, that's actually a plus.

I got an agent!

Evan Gregory, known far and wide for his agenting skill and great taste in books.

Evan Gregory, known far and wide for his agenting skill and great taste in books.

I now officially have a literary agent. Evan Gregory of the Ethan Ellenberg Literary Agency has taken me on as a client after reading my mystery novel The Other Van Zant.

For the benefit of folks who don't know the intricacies of the publishing industry, here's why getting an agent is a big deal for me: 1. Big publishers buy almost all their books through literary agents (not in all cases, but most cases). 2. Agents only get paid when they sell a book, so they tend to only take on clients with books they believe they can sell (it also means they're highly motivated to sell it). 

I'm really glad to have somebody do the wheeling-and-dealing portion of the publication process for me. All this stuff about foreign rights, remainders, subsidiary rights--is that even a real thing? I didn't start writing so I could negotiate contracts, and I wouldn't know what a good deal looks like if somebody rolled up the contract and swatted me in the face with it. You see that analogy I just made? That's my best guess for what a good deal looks like. Now I've got Evan here to handle all that nonsense so I can get back to the hard work of writing about a wannabe rock star who solves mysteries, and college curriculum for aspiring superheroes.

How to create your perfect pen name: My new Writer Unboxed column

photo by Amy Strachan

photo by Amy Strachan

I've got a new coumn up at Writer Unboxed dedicated to helping you come up with the ideal pen name to launch your writing career. Behold, an excerpt:

Quick, what’s the first name of your protagonist’s favorite singer? What’s the first initial of your least-favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Now tell me your favorite brand of liquor. For me, Robert Plant plus Raphael plus Kraken rum gives me Robert R. Kraken — I’ve already harangued my parents for not giving me this name. You’re on the right track if you end up with something like John D. Morgan or Nico R. Dubonnet. If you come up with Ke$ha L. Ron Rico, please stop writing, because you have terrible taste in everything. 

You can read the whole thing here. And check out some of my other columns while you're there.

How to Create Your Perfect Pen Name at Writer Unboxed

How to be an author 24-7: My new column at Writer Unboxed

Want to be a pro writer? My new column at Writer Unboxed shows you how to turn a fun hobby into a pro-level cycle of toil & anguish. Here's a quick excerpt:

You’re home from work (you listened to an audiobook during your commute, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!). Dinner with the fam is the ideal time to focus-group plot points and character sketches. Also make sure to ask your family how their day was. These conversations pay big dividends in writing material, like the literary equivalent of hilltop-removal mining. Your spouse and children will come to know the phrase, “That’s so great, I’m totally putting it into my book!” as the response that is most akin to the emotion they call “love.” 

How to be an author 24-7 at Writer Unboxed 

"Suicide Chef" and "P is for PWNED" to appear on Tales to Terrify

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Tales to Terrify will publish audio versions of two of my short stories, "Suicide Chef" and "P is for PWNED." If you're not already a listener, Tales to Terrify is a sister podcast of the Hugo-award winning Starship Sofa.

"Suicide Chef" was originally published in issue 7 of Opium Magazine. A chef finds a way to save his struggling restaurant, but with deadly consequences. It was my first-ever fiction publication, so I'm really excited to reintroduce people to it. It'll be my first audio narration, too, so I hope you enjoy it.

"P is for PWNED" is a new one--it's a detective story about Charles Moncrief, a geriatric, hard-boiled private eye who's hired to crack the case of a kid who killed himself over losing a video game. To solve it, he'll have to overcome his estranged daughter, the ravages of old age, and his complete ignorance of computer technology.

They'll be on different episodes, and I'll let you know the release dates as soon as I have them.

"How to PWN Twitter" at Writer Unboxed

Photo credit: Robert Scoble

Photo credit: Robert Scoble

My latest column is up at Writer Unboxed. I share the secrets of how to become the best Twitterer on Twitter that has ever Twittered.

Twitter allows us to establish relationships with thousands of potential readers every day. There’s a 1:1 ratio of Twitter followers to book buyers, according to a study that probably exists somewhere. You can get followers simply by following lots of people. Unless they’re inhuman monsters, they’ll feel pressured to follow you back. Yeah, this will clog your feed with flame wars and Pinstagrams or whatever, but you’re going to unfollow everybody once you get to 15,000 anyway.​

This is probably as good a time as any to ask you to follow me on Twitter, if you're not already.​

Hacks for Hacks: How to PWN Twitter

"Top 5 Affectations Every Writer Should Adopt" at Writer Unboxed

Check out my debut column for Writer Unboxed, in which I discuss the most effective ways to make yourself stand out like a Roman candle in a parlor full of Flameless Candles.

Dress to impress. Don a T-shirt commemorating an author whose image you want to portray (Hemingway–I’m a tough guy with a sensitive side and a drinking problem; James Joyce–I like to tell people I read James Joyce. I am also a drunk). Gentlemen, catch her eye by sporting…well, a sport coat, the kind with those swanky elbow patches. Ladies, try on some big librarian glasses. Hold your hair in a bun with a number two pencil, then whip it loose like you’re in an ‘80s music video. To make sure he sees you, do this every fifteen minutes. Both sexes may accessorize with berets, scarves, or pipes–but never more than one. You don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard.​

​Of course, the best way to stand out is to write a good book. I don't mean you, your​ novel is fantastic. I meant those other folks.

Hacks for Hacks: Top 5 Affectations Every Writer Should Adopt

"Athlete's Foot" is now available in Issue 1 of Crowded

A fine magazine with the good sense to publish one of my short stories

A fine magazine with the good sense to publish one of my short stories

New publication! But have you ever wanted to hear the thrilling saga of how a short story gets published? No? Well, here it is anyway, and you can skip it if you want:

​In November of 2010, I submitted my favorite short story I'd written to a magazine that had just started paying professional rates. It was a funny piece about basketball and limb loss, and I thought it'd be a good fit at this magazine. Best of all, it would be my first pro-level short fiction sale.

Submitting stories for publication takes a long time. Editors have huge amounts of stories to sift through, and a lot of magazines expect you to submit exclusively--editors don't want to invest a lot of time and energy into a story only to have it snatched away by another magazine. If you get caught simultaneously submitting, that magazine will refuse to publish you until the sun rises in the west.

So, this magazine. It took them a while to get back to me. After six months, I sent a polite query to ask if they had had a chance to ​look at it. They replied that they'd been inundated with submissions after they'd raised their pay rate, so it might be a while. Fair enough, I thought.

I still thought it was fair after a year, when I sent this magazine another query (you'll notice I'm not mentioning them by name, so you can probably see where this is going). No decision yet, but they'd advanced me into the "maybe" pile, so I had that going for me, which was nice.

We went back-and-forth another six months until last April, when I informed them (politely) ​to remove my story from consideration so I could consider another market.

Their reply: "That's too bad especially since it was so very close to getting bought. Best of luck to you."

I've been submitting to magazines for several years, so I'm pretty good at dealing with rejection. But their little "So long, asshole" routine was definitely a beetle in my french fries (which really happened to me one time). It was the implicit, "If you'd only allowed us to dick you around for another six months, we'd have bought your story. Maybe." The thing that irritated me most, though, was that it took them a month-and-a-half to write it--they couldn't even tell me to go to Hell in a timely fashion.

On the Big List of Injustices in this world, this one ranks pretty low, but it annoyed me nonetheless. Did you notice I used past tense there? I am over it. At last, I have my sort-of revenge. ​

My short story "Athlete's Foot" is now available in the debut issue of Crowded. This magazine has some great stories in it, accompanied by some terrific looking artwork. (And yes, they pay professional rates, in case you were worried about my career or whatever.)

"Athlete's Foot" is a horror/urban fantasy story about Tyler, an American basketball player struggling to make it in the European minor leagues. A good season might get him back to the States and the NBA. Too bad for him, his team has also signed former NBA superstar (and current out-of-shape has-been) LaWilliam Morris, who treats Tyler like his personal slave. Tyler doesn't believe in karma, but he finds out that what goes around does come around once in a while, and that's not always a good thing.

Am I being petty about this whole thing? Yeah, probably. But like I said, "Athlete's Foot" is one of my favorites, and finally seeing it published feels really good. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Crowded, Issue 1

I'm a columnist, apparently

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Starting March 16, I'm the new monthly humor columnist at Writer Unboxed. WU is a site loaded with advice for scribes of all levels, plus interviews, general thoughts on the writing life, and now, Bill Ferris. I'll share more details on this as I'm able. I'm excited to get started, though, and I think you'll like the column.